Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Chapter one
Edghe’s feet slapped the sand as he raced through the labyrinthine streets. He turned a corner and almost crashed into a goat. The dazed animal registered him with a delay and began loudly bleating as he had already whizzed past it, leaving the goat and its owner angrily shouting after him. He knew he was nearing his destination when the smell of manure receded, and he picked up the scents of spices and smoke; the narrow alleys gave way to the ekita souk, the market at the edge of the slums. The hustle and bustle of the merchants and patrons filled air with sounds of haggling. Edghe brushed past a man clad in modest layered caftan. The man was carefully carving a square off a block of dried herb onto a scale, while the merchant waited patiently holding onto a rope with a goat at the end. The piece dropped onto the scale with a clang and the merchant swiftly inspected the weight, nodded in approval “Jeshu has witnessed a just price paid,” he said as he handed the rope to the patron, “Ancestors be my witness you will profit from her milk.”
The patron, placed the herb block back into his pouch and accepted the rope, “I place my trust in the witnesses,” came his reply. He gave a last cursory assessment of the goat’s teeth, then shook the merchant’s hand and they exchanged a “peace be upon you.”
Meanwhile Edghe was briskly making his way away from the two men, holding the herb block wedged in the ribbing of his pants, under his simple brown tunic. He slipped and maneuvered through the crowd, eyes scanning for his next target. An angry shout came from behind; no doubt the patron had noted his abnormally light pouch. Edghe quickly gabbed a violet fruit from the stall he was just passing, trusting that the merchant who was currently deeply invested in a haggling negotiation wouldn’t notice. Much to Edghe’s dismay, the merchant let out a furious cry “Thief! Guards! Thief!”
Edghe began running, he pulled the hood of his tunic over his head and rushed through the thick crowd. The general hubbub smothered the merchant’s yelling. Edghe arrived at the edge of the market and as he reached the nearest house, he stepped onto the open windowsill and pulled himself up. Jumping over to the opposing building, he swiftly scaled the wall to the roof. He ducked and kept himself low, peering over the side. He saw the guards rushing in the direction pointed at by the fruit merchant and quickly pulled himself further out of view.
Slowly, he crept backwards towards the center of the grayish roof. The hard stone scraped his forearms. When he felt he was a safe distance from prying eyes, he pushed himself up and scaled the wall down onto the alley on the opposite side of the market.
He tore open the purple safou and bit hungrily at the innards. The sour pulp stained his mouth. Once he'd finished eating the fruit, he sighed, quite satisfied with himself, and started down the alley. As he turned the next corner, he was thrown onto his rear end. He felt as if he had hit a wall. The shadow stretched over him as he heard a familiar voice call out.
“Son-of-a-whore drazi at it again?” The larger boy spat the question. Edghe stared up at Màalu, and swore under his breath. Màalu stood larger than some adult men and had arms as thick as tree trunks at the ripe age of fifteen. Behind him stood his entourage of much less impressive looking youths. 'Four in total, Màalu included,' counted Edghe silently.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi hello! Long time no read =D
I love that you’re doing it mostly correctly; it makes me super happy! The only change is that, unless you interrupt an ongoing sentence with you speech tag, you don’t put the speech tag in commas. Notice how I put a period in your sentence here?Figured I should eventually check the sequel to this XD (Write more reviews and I will find you sooner! :3)
I appreciate the link to the prologue! That is so good!
I like the intro to the story. It feels very well-paced and I like how you included all the necessary sensory information! That said, it could use a little variety in sentence structure :3
Also I am not sure if you need a comma or dash here: “modest layered caftan”
Dialogue formatting tip:
(I do love the dialogue tho. It feels very immersive!)
…nvm the dialogue formatting could still use some work. This is my passion so bear with me:
(first of all, a lost little comma after patron that wants to be deleted xd)
Second of all, in this part of the sentence, you do not have any speech tag which is why the dialogue is not part of the sentence. Ergo we put a period at the end 😊
I kinda feel you lose some of your pacing tho by going into such detail with the goat exchange.
(Tho I do like how Edghe just CASUALLY steals the herb XD)
Another tip: “he was thrown onto his rear end” is a passive sentence and for something so action-y, using a more active phrasing would work wonders :3
I love this.
I am so happy I read it today and I hope you continue soon! So come back and do this ò.ó
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Hello @Lord Anzius Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
Well this was quite an interesting first chapter! Bit on the shorter side but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I went back and read your prologue too, so I am going to assume that Edghe is in fact, Nawaedghe. I feel like this is going in a pretty classic way as far as Fantasy novels are concerned.
Poor impoverished, shaped by hardship, unassuming protagonist discovers his destiny (through a powerful but mysterious stranger perhaps) and goes onto save the world. I like the backstory though, he doesn't know his father so it is safe to assume that his father's identity will be significant in the future.
He was a knight so maybe ties to a powerful family, a King or Queen maybe so magical powers lots of room for worldbuilding! No indication for it so far but it seems that his mother was a sex worker so she would also be out of the picture.
There lies great potential for a painful baskstory, and lots of room adding depth to our main character here. Interesting point that can also be explored is whether is father has any other family, maybe he has a half sibling.
Perhaps all this could lead to a classic storyline of him saving the world and forging an initially reluctant but later strong and steadfast relationship with his half-sibling who was supposed to save the world, but had his thunder stolen by Eghde.
Ooo there can also be a possibility to a prophecy something relating to a firstborn son perhaps and Edge turns out to be the son. All in all, this is set up with various possibilities and lots of room to work with! I am interested to see where this goes.
The ending is pretty good as well, cliffhanger, classic bully figure here, interesting to see where this goes.
Under the magnifying glass
First off I wanted to mention that you're first paragraph is a touch too long. I would recommend splitting it like so ~
Secondly, I feel like you are lacking in sensory detail. There is a lot of detail regarding the actions and the way things are moving but as a reader I cannot picture anything. You need to add some sensory detail, some imagery, paint a picture, tell we what it looks like.
The alleys are narrow, the light is sharp and bright, the day is warm, the smell of dust hangs in the air. The stone of the walls is cramped. Paint a picture, do not leave it on the reader to assume what it looks like, what it feels like, smells, sights, sounds, taste all are important.
Even sitting here writing this I feel the cool air of the fan, the soft cotton of the bedsheets, I can taste the orange I just ate and can hear the tap tap tap tap tap of my keyboard. The sense are always on, even if we don't notice them always. The characters must feel it too and it is an important aspect of the writing.
Closing the case
Overall this was a very interesting first chapter! I am interested to see what path this story takes. Feel free to tag me when you post further installments!
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy.Until next time!!